Who the hell are these children?

You're going to just have to watch these videos before I start judging them, in case I put you off. You don't have to watch each video to the end lest you die. Have I said too much?







I don't know why I'm making these video's even more viral than they are. Granted that 4 year old can actually rap quite well, for a child.
We're now in an age where every 13 year old can get an HD camcorder, and autotune for christmas, which means, what the Black Eyed peas were doing in 2009, Rebecca Black is doing just as good in 2011. This now means that real, decent music artists need to step up their game, and start making Kanye style music videos.





If you have autotune, and the limited amount of brain cells it requires to write a song in which "Friday" rhymes with "Saturday", then you're going to get onto the Hit 100. How upsetting. The real talent has had to resort to writing songs about Transexuals, and Polygamy. Granted, their video's are a damn sight better.

Not too sure what my point is. I don't usually make entries like this. Maybe this is my point:

Marathon Training, week 17

So apparently I hurt my leg somewhere along the line last week. Tried to run last weekend and it hurt a bit. So I had this week off! Much to my annoyance. I've actually hated not exercising, and felt like a big fat unhealthy cretin. I did my yoga, and spent 3 hours on the bike machine, to keep my cardio up. Doesn't feel like a lot. Only a month to go; need to heal my leg, and step this shit up!

Raised £135 this week! Yes! That's as much as last week. Let's aim for the same again next week, although i'm running out of wonderful people like my Abigail and my Uncle Alan to sponsor me £50. Why don't YOU sponsor me that much?! How nice would that be. Do it for easter with all the money you've saved not drinking, or whatever it is you're "giving up". Yes that's right. Give ME you're money.

I also got my Running vest in the post. WOO. Although it is a size too big, i still look fierce.



Click here if you think I am a very hard working, determined individual.

Marathon Training, week 16

SIXTEEN WEEKS OF THIS SHIT!

Well, I'm not complaining. If i had one complaint, it would be the weather. It's so cold guys. Running in shorts and a t-shirt! I've been sneezing a lot this week. That would be shit; not running the marathon because i caught a cold!!!

Another complaint… or more of an observation of something annoying, is how complex and thought provoking a long distance run can be. No-one likes running in circles, so i generally use a long journey to coincide with such runs. Usually home-uni, or uni-my parents house, or the dentist-uni or some other shit like that. But then i will need a shower at my destination, and a change of clothes, so i always have to go there a day or 2 earlier and stash these things, kind of defeating the point of using the run to coincide with the journey, if i have to make the same journey anyway to prepare for the run! Then that leaves me with what I HAVE to carry - water, banana, carbo-gel, ipod, phone, wallet, blister plasters. I only have two hands, so I literally sellotape these things together and then hold them in two handy packages. Besides looking like i freak, I can never forget my sellotape wherever I go.

Did my usual shit this week - A threshold run, yoga, then my longest run yet - 13.2 miles! That's just over a half marathon :). It hurt a bit for the last 20 minutes, and I got upset that I was only halfway toward my eventual goal. My leg still hurts, i think I pulled something mildly. Then finished the week with some good old Interval Training.

Also, I saw a billboard advertising something to do with the marathon this week, and ran past quite a few other people running, so there's a big sense of anticipation in the air!

Now I have two very positive things to tell you;

1. I raised £115 this week!!!!!! That is SO DAMN MUCH. To put it in perspective, I raised £140 in the whole of february. Let's see if i can keep it in triple digits next week :) Big thank you to Raffaella and my baby brother Nick!

2. While dancing naked in front of the mirror, I noticed some muscle definition in my stomach that wasn't there before. I put that down to the Interval Training to be honest. But yeah, physical results are becoming visible results, which is encouraging!

PLEASE PLEASE SPONSOR ME!!!
If i haven't asked you personally yet, I will. If I have, and you haven't sponsored me - I'm writing a damn list. There's no escape from me and my good cause. http://www.justgiving.com/lukasgeorgiou

Malta, The Grand Finale

Exhausted from their trek through the forted city of Valetta, Olivia and Lukas arrived back at Saint Julians. It was dark now, and althought it was only 7pm, they did not want to risk the closure of the city ruining their evening like it had previously, so they raced out to the liquor store and bought some Tequila. The shop next door the the liquor store was, quite coincidentally, a vegetable store, and they bought some lemons.

A shrine was promptly made.



After a lot of tequila and lemon, the gang headed out. Not before tucking Batsebabitch into bed of course. They headed to the country's best bar strip, where they were instantly accosted by slags with vouchers.

They used their slag vouchers to gain entry and free drinks in several bars. Lukas was quite put off by how much this place reminded him of straight clubs in London, and came to the conclusion that he didn't like straight bars. So they decided to stay in the one bar for about an hour, before looking for some gay hangouts.

A camp song came on and suddenly Lukas forgot his inhibitions and forced Olivia to start pole-dancing for the crowd. Hesitantly, se wrapped her legs around the greasy pole and began to writhe. A big old fat man then climbed onto the podium.

"I'm not having Olivia dance with him!" Lukas thought, so he climbed onto the podium too, and politely threw the man to the groud. To keep himself from looking like an overprotective fag, Lukas then began to grind on Olivia, till the songs close. "Oh my God," said Olivia "I feel like we just had real sex!"
This was greeted by silence from Lukas. That's just how he likes to dance.

They left the straight bar strip, and decided to go and buy some more Tequila before heading to the gay bars.

They didn't get any Tequila, and they didn't go to any gar bars.

At some point along the journey, Olivia managed to lose her shoes. So they had to tread slowly and carefully along the probably-unsafe roads of St. Juliens. Because of their speed, about half way through the journey, they heard in the distance the instantly recognisable screeching of Rihanna. Being a gay, a girl, and being drunk, they held hands and began to race toward the comforting sound, throwing caution to the wind, and treading on God knows what.

They found the bar that "Only Girl In The World" was playing, and ran inside without a second thought and proceeded to wail and dance their way through the song. Only when it was over did they think to look around the bar, where their eyes were met by about 10 pairs of crop-haired, army-panted, lesbian eyes, looking at them in disgust. Suddenly one of them screamed at them "A STRAIGHT GIRL, AND A MAN. IN OUR LESBIAN BAR. YOU MUST LEAVE. YOU SHALL NOT SULLY OUR LESBIAN SHRINE" with her eyes, and so they got the hint and left.

Outside, they stumbled upon two of these stereotyped lesbians, and thought they would try and infiltrate the cult by talking. To their surprise, these girls were also from London. Rachel, the first was called, lived very nearby in fact; in Watford! She was here on a DJ'ing holiday, staying at the Hilton, all expenses paid, or so she led them to believe. The other lesbian was beyond hope and didn't know how to communicate with anything that had ever touched a penis, and so instead threw the occasional angry or upset glace at them.

Over the course of the next hour, Lukas, Olivia, Rachel and Gremlock bonded somewhat; smoking, drinking, laughing. Quizzing eachother about sexual practises, and Rachel showing the occasional mind-blowing card trick. At one point, they picked a card at random - the 6 of Diamonds. They put it back in the deck, she shuffled. She then proceeded to go through the deck with them, asking them to stop her when they saw their card. Lo, the 6 of Diamonds never came up. "Our card isn't there!" they harked. "Yes," she said, "Because it is here!" and then she reached into her mouth and pulled out a folded card, covered in saliva. She unfolded it and it was the 6 of Diamonds. How they laughed.

Suddenly they realised Gremlock had left. They didn't miss her, but felt like maybe the party was over, and so hailed a cab. "Come back to mine!" offered Rachel, "I have loads of drinks, 2 double beds and a sound system!"
It sounded like a good idea, but they had an early plane to catch, and so decided they would get a cab first to their hostel, and then to Rachels hotel.

Ever the drunks, some sort of conversation was had with the driver of the cab. Lukas told him of Rachel's peculiar lifestyle choice, which pleased him. Suddenly the three of them were in the cab with the driver, and he suggested an obscene gay on straight on bi on lesbian action, involving all of them. They exitedly agreed, but thought it was best to do this in the parking lot of the Hilton, so they raced across town to the Hostel.
"I will be FIVE minutes" said Lukas. "I'm just getting all of our stuff." before kissing Rachel passionately (???) and running up to the room.

The room was in a fucking state. Twenty minutes later, he was still packing and tidying, When Olivia came upstairs, as pale as a sheet.
"I got down and dirty with Rachel" Isn't exactly what she said. The real phrase is locked away in the recesses of Lukas's fragile mind.
"You did what!" He screamed.
Olivia then went into detail as to the goings on in the cab that happened with everyone but Lukas present. She did this through interpretive dance and via the use of a green balloon.



Suddenly Lukas felt quite glad that he'd spent such a large portion of the evening cleaning, rather than indulging in such sadist activities. But still, they finished packing, and turned to leave the room, to get back into the sex cab.

You know when someone has been standing there for a long time, but you don't realise it until you walk straight into their muscular chest? Well that is what happened next. There was a huge man blocking the doorway to the room. How long he had been there, nobody could tell, but he was angry. He began interrogating our superheroes as to whether this really was their room and why they were leaving in the middle of the night. Our superheroes thought it would be funny to call him gay, and then watch him slam his fists into the wall and make other such testosterone induced gestures.

Eventually, after a lot of provoking on both teams behalves, all three of them decided to leave and get into the sex cab (Seriously). Lukas took the stairs while Olivia and the Neanderthal took the lift. Lukas reached the lobby and realised that the building was only 3 floors and so the lift should have reached her for sure by now. A whole minute later he took action and pressed the lift button. The door slid open, proving that the lift had been standing there idly for some time. Inside there was an attempted rape scene unfolding, not only in the lift, but in both of the mirrored walls of the lift, too. The neanderthal, although he probably could have killed Lukas with one hand, was caught like a deer in the headlights and let Olivia go.

They exited and the Neanderthal turned left. Our superheroes turned right, and with all their bags, ran to where the cab was waiting to free them. The cab was gone.

To this day, nobody knows what happened to Rachel, or the driver, or whether or not what may or may not have happened between them was consented. But at that very moment Lukas reached into his pocket and found a folded piece of card.



Oh Rachel...

Not wasting any time, they ran back to the Hostel, cautious of the return of the Neanderthal. They dumped their bags, and decided to return to where the party was at. They ran back outside and headed back towards town.

"Wait!" Yelled Olivia, en route, "Hide!"
They hid behind a small van.
"Look, over there! It's the Neanderthal!"

Sure enough, across the road, there was the Neanderthal; beer in one hand, the hair of a girl in the other. He took a swig of his beer, and then wretched the girls hair to his face, to make her kiss him. We U-turned and went around the block. Don't worry, we weren't about to allow TWO rapes to occur on this night; the two of them were outside a cafe, and there were other men around watching, to make sure she was safe.

They made it back to the clubbing strip, but as is the apparent trend in Malta, all the clubs were closed. Everyone had migrated to an impressively sized chicken shop. They followed the flock, and got 12 nuggets between them. Scalding their tongues on the hot, deep fried goods sobered them up slightly, but also made them realise just how drunk they were.

They decided it would be wise to turn in for the night now; they had an early flight to catch!

They returned to the Hostel and collapsed asleep.

---

The following morning, life was quite straightforward for our twosome. Apart from the fact that they got up late. This threw everything out of whack, and they ended up losing their keys. When they eventually found the lost keys, the door to the Hostel decided to not open at all. They took descisive action to get some authority or other to open the door for them. This led them to the discovery that the Neanderthal OWNED the hostel. They had no choice but to befriend his father and convince him to crowbar the hostel door off it's hinges because they could not afford to miss their flight.

Lukas thought that maybe this final hurdle - an intimate moment with the father of a beast was a sign, an opportunity to bring the Neanderthal and his rapist ways down once and for all.
"We have to tell him about his son!" Lukas beseeched.
But then Olivia reminded Lukas that the apple does not fall far from the tree, and locked in a room with this man with a crowbar, telling him that he birthed a rapist probably wasn't wise. So the door was opened, and they left this charming father and son duo to do whatever it is that they get up to in their spare time. Our duo continued down the road and found a wonderful feminist-taxi company, which was good because at this point, there was not a man in Malta that they could trust. And so Maria drove them to the airport, where things went without hitch.



An old lady was sat next to them, in her wheelchair in the departure lounge. A friendly air steward approached her. "Did you enjoy your holiday madame?" She squeeked, timidly.
"NO!" barked the old hag, "I FELL OVER AND BROKE MY ARM."

Good times.

Marathon training, week 15

I'm getting quite close to the day now. The training is getting more and more intense, but i'm noticing it less and less. It's like exercising 4 times a week is just basic now. How will I manage when the whole thing is over? I'm so fit and healthy now, it's hard to imagine my old self.

I spent 3 hours in the gym on Monday, and dragged Abigail along. She was livid. It left us both aching for the rest of the week.

Yoga on Tuesday, as per usual, and i fancy the teacher even more this week.

Wednesday, I ran just short of 13 miles, and again, it wasn't that difficult.

Friday, I did some HIIT.

This week i raised £20, which gets me to the 20% mark, Woohoo!. I want to get to 30% at least, by the end of March. I can onl do that with your help; Http://www.justgiving.com/lukasgeorgiou

Marathon training, week 14

What a succesful week in comparison to the last!

It was reading week so I was off having fun with Olivia, rather than spending all my time exercising. I did however, manage to go to my Yoga class, on tuesday, as per every other week. And did some yoga of my own three other times; once alone, once with my sister, and once with raffaella. I know enough now to do it comfortably for an hour without needing a class horay.

Two more people commented on what nice legs i have.

I ran 10.6 miles, with some degree of ease, apart from blisters. My furthest yet.

I raised a whopping £64.20. Nearly at 20% :D

The Hobbit and it's effects

At some point in January, in a romantically dimly lit kitchen, two friends of mine... let's call them agents 'R' and 'K' for now, held a thin piece of paper between them. The paper was perforated into bite-sized squares, and each square cloudy white in colour, almost see-through.

"It effects are quite like that of magic mushrooms" Said Agent K, "But obviously, it's synthetic... I can't think of a name for it though!"

"Can i give it a name?!" squealed Agent R "Let's call it... Hobbit!"

---

A month later, i arrived at a friends housewarming party. I was a few hours late. I was greeted at the door by someone quite drunk "Hi! I'm so glad you came! We're all drunk already!"

"Haha, that's fine... I'll just have to catch up!" I replied, striding into the living room.

"Well if you want to catch up, you'll need to have this too." She whispered, opening her palm to reveal a messily ripped piece of paper. "It's new... it's called 'Hobbit'."

Everyone had already taken this strangely named substance. I was quite apprehensive, as the last "New" drug I tried - Mephedrone - was infamous for making you feel like your oesophagus was dissolving, and the restless, dreadful withdrawal symptoms it left you with as soon as you started to come down, that left you begging for more.

It didn't help that no-one at the party could explain what it was hobbit was supposed to do, so i prepared myself to experience something similar to the effects of Mephedrone.

An hour later, I was still sober, watching my friends roll around the floor in laughter. "EVERYTHING IS SO FUNNY. EVEN THIS SENTENCE IS HILARIOUS!" Someone shouted at me, before running out of the living room. I didn't laugh.

I ate a peanut and suddenly felt like my gastric band was about to explode. I commented on that and my friend said "I felt like that half an hour ago, and now everything is beautiful!"

I spent the next half an hour waiting for whatever god damned epiphany it was that I was supposed to receive. It didn't come, so i burst open the door to the bedroom that everyone was partying in (yes, i'd been wondering around alone), and was greeted by such an insane scene, i couldn't help but laugh. I caught Laura's eye and she laughed at me. I laughed because she was laughing, and she laughed because I was laughing, and everyone else was laughing at everyone else who was also laughing at everyone else. The bed looked so soft, so i closed the door and lay on it and just laughed at how ridiculous the whole world was for about 10 minutes, while everyone else rolled around laughing around me. Then i realised that i'd had the long awaited epiphany!

We all spent the next few hours marvelling at everything around us, and at the words leaving our mouths. Conversation turned into an art form;

"I'm going to leave and get some drinks"
"Look where your foot is! Why don't you leave and get some tables to replace the one you're about to kick."
"Well i wouldn't kick the table if the chair I was on wasn't so far away from the wall"
"Well blame the builders for walling the wall like that!" was the form most conversations took that night; they seemed poetic to us, but were actually moronic and tinged with angst.

The angst got a bit too much at one point, when somebody had a fight with a statue of a dog and we all argued about who may have started it.

Another hour or so later and some of us ventured out of the room to find some hairspray, because "I need to spray my hair with some hairspray! Haha, how funny. spray hair. hair spray."
So my friends sprayed their hair while i sat on the bed and watched. They left the room, but I was suddenly too scared to return to the party. I sat on the bed wondering if everyone was talking about me. I pondered this idea for an hour before I got the courage to return to the room. But the paranoia wouldn't go. A few of us had this nausiating feeling throughout the night, which in fact, for me, made the low lower than the high was high, and so maybe made the drug not worth taking. But I suppose that's why we don't do this sort of thing all the time.
For a 'new' drug, though, Hobbit trumped Mephedrone, hands down. Agent K has since informed me that the more you take, the more psychadelic the experience wil become. So maybe that's an option for the future.

So, the hysteria/paranoia subsided, we ordered a Chinese, and eventually all went home late the next evening.

But that wasn't the last i'd heard from the Hobbit...*



(*To be Continued)

The Sacred book of the werewolf

I don't usually write serious reviews, because i'm not too sure what exactly my opinion counts for, but this book was fantastic, and nobody has heard of it, so i'm just doing my bit.



It's the perfect example of why to not judge a book by it's cover.

I was recomended the 'City Lights' book store in San Francisco, and when inside, i found that the walls were lined with books i'd never heard of, there was no best sellers, or chart topping sections. Just simply good books. I spent a good few hours in there, picking up all sorts of books, not sure which to buy. On my way to the checkout, this one caught my eye. I read the back:

"ROUGH WEREWOLF ON WEREWOLF SEX. WERE-CREATURE PHILOSOPHY THAT DOUBLES AS SATIRICAL CONTENT. PUCKY UNDERAGE RUSSIAN PROSTITUTES WHO ARE ACTUALLY MILLENIA-OLD SUPERNATURAL BEINGS. NONSTOP REFERENCES TO ICONIC AUTHORS, PHILOSOPHERS, AND POP CULTURE. IF YOU ENJOY HAVING ALL OF THESE ELEMENTS IN YOUR FICTION, YOU'LL LOVE THIS BOOK - WASHINGTON POST."

I found this quote quite, well, stupid. This is probably the only book to contain more than one of those elements, never mind all of them, so if you enjoy having all of these elements in your fiction, the Washington Post should have said, then you've probably read this book already!

Aside from that, all those elements did exite me, and so i bought the book. Needless to say, the Washington Post's blurb did not do it much justice.

The book is about a girl, A Hui-li. She's a good few thousand years old, and is a 'Fox'. Ancient were-creatures that look like young girls, but have big bushy fox tails, which they use as hypnotic antenni to confuse people into seeing whatever the fox wills them to. A hui-li confuses men into thinking she just had sex with them, and so they pay her. She's been doing this for thousands of years, and so, understandably, is very jaded by the human race, and the sorts of sex human men can offer her. The first half of the book focuses on A Hui-Li, giving an objective commentary on the life of humans, and the errors of their ways. I did really find myself believing everything this immortal, slightly insane girl told me, despite the fact that it was actually written by a middle aged Russian man.

Anyway, halfway through the book, she whips her tail out to hypnotise a man. He laughs at her, morphs into a huge shaggy beast, and rapes her.

They then discover what sort of "tailechery" two magical were-creatures can do together, and the book, while continuing in its satirical commentary on life, takes a more sexually perverse turn.

A Hui-li, in her jaded, internal monologues provide the reader with many a pearl of wisdom, such as:
"A woman's attractiveness has less to do with her hairstyle, or the lighting, than with a mans balls."

And Alexander, the slightly less intelligent werewolf, often tries to play his part in the books ongoing existential debate:
''The philosopher Berkley believed that everything only exists when it is perceived. If this is so, then sex and masturbation are the same thing. If everything only exists in perception, then surely making love to an imaginary girl is better than making love to a real girl."

I won't give much away, but it was a wonderful read and I learnt a lot from these two characters. You might turn your head away in disgust if your experience of werewolves is now nothing more than those featured in Twilight. But let me assure you, the werewolves in this book are much more exiting; they're cleverer, less frigid, and have much bigger dicks.

Marathon Training, week 13

On Monday I was set to do my logest run yet - 10 miles.
In the first 2 miles my earphones broke, i cut my arm, my water spilled all over my things in my bag and my calves siezed up, so i hobbled another mile to the train station, defeated.

Decided to take the rest of the week easy - a bit of yoga, and some short treadmill runs.

A bit tired of all this now, not really much of an end in sight, and I managed to scramble £17.50 in sponsorship.
Not to sound too ungrateful, but someone gave me £10, then decided that that was too much and asked for change. Maybe you feel like it is too much, but never give to charity, then ask for change, it's condescending .

So yeah, this week failed. But I'm allowed a miserable week. Next week will be amazing!

People on the underground

I did something last year, where I took photo's of women dressing badly on the tube. People liked it, but it's a bit mean, so this week, instead of taking pictures of just women on the train, I took pictures of Everyone!. Or everyone that sat opposite me at least.

I thought this lady was funny because she thought she could single handedly bring back into fashion the scooting commuter. It won't work.



This guy wasn't sat opposite me, but it's Bill, from Kill Bill, so i think I was justified in taking this:




This man fell asleep with his tongue out, snoring.



This old couple looked like twins.



This young couple were both crying, and refusing to look at each other. Divorce? Maybe she didn't like him because of his woman's jeans?




This man was drunk.




How exiting.