Monday, 21 March 2011

Marathon Training, week 18

It's getting very close to the day now.

This week i received a package from Virgin, it had shoelaces, a countdown clock, and a magazine reminding me that I wasn't training enough and that I should eat a lot more carbs, and hyping the whole event up before telling me not to panic. Thanks for that virgin. I'm now officially shit scared, but also a bit exited.

I went to Muscle-Activation-Therapy this week, to help me with my injured leg. It's a kind of new-age Physiotherapy. It was really good, but subsequent sessions would cost me £85 a go, so they let me go.

Luckily my leg stopped hurting, finally, after 3 miserable weeks, and I ran 5 miles this week. That's it. 5 fucking miles, a month before the marathon!!! Well, this week, week 19, i'm going to be back on track. Fuck the yoga. Fuck the bike machine. This is real life...

Also, raised £136.20 this week. Another £130 next week?!? Yes please.

Friday, 18 March 2011

Who the hell are these children?

You're going to just have to watch these videos before I start judging them, in case I put you off. You don't have to watch each video to the end lest you die. Have I said too much?

I don't know why I'm making these video's even more viral than they are. Granted that 4 year old can actually rap quite well, for a child.
We're now in an age where every 13 year old can get an HD camcorder, and autotune for christmas, which means, what the Black Eyed peas were doing in 2009, Rebecca Black is doing just as good in 2011. This now means that real, decent music artists need to step up their game, and start making Kanye style music videos.

If you have autotune, and the limited amount of brain cells it requires to write a song in which "Friday" rhymes with "Saturday", then you're going to get onto the Hit 100. How upsetting. The real talent has had to resort to writing songs about Transexuals, and Polygamy. Granted, their video's are a damn sight better.

Not too sure what my point is. I don't usually make entries like this. Maybe this is my point:

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Marathon Training, week 17

So apparently I hurt my leg somewhere along the line last week. Tried to run last weekend and it hurt a bit. So I had this week off! Much to my annoyance. I've actually hated not exercising, and felt like a big fat unhealthy cretin. I did my yoga, and spent 3 hours on the bike machine, to keep my cardio up. Doesn't feel like a lot. Only a month to go; need to heal my leg, and step this shit up!

Raised £135 this week! Yes! That's as much as last week. Let's aim for the same again next week, although i'm running out of wonderful people like my Abigail and my Uncle Alan to sponsor me £50. Why don't YOU sponsor me that much?! How nice would that be. Do it for easter with all the money you've saved not drinking, or whatever it is you're "giving up". Yes that's right. Give ME you're money.

I also got my Running vest in the post. WOO. Although it is a size too big, i still look fierce.

Click here if you think I am a very hard working, determined individual.

Sunday, 6 March 2011

Marathon Training, week 16


Well, I'm not complaining. If i had one complaint, it would be the weather. It's so cold guys. Running in shorts and a t-shirt! I've been sneezing a lot this week. That would be shit; not running the marathon because i caught a cold!!!

Another complaint… or more of an observation of something annoying, is how complex and thought provoking a long distance run can be. No-one likes running in circles, so i generally use a long journey to coincide with such runs. Usually home-uni, or uni-my parents house, or the dentist-uni or some other shit like that. But then i will need a shower at my destination, and a change of clothes, so i always have to go there a day or 2 earlier and stash these things, kind of defeating the point of using the run to coincide with the journey, if i have to make the same journey anyway to prepare for the run! Then that leaves me with what I HAVE to carry - water, banana, carbo-gel, ipod, phone, wallet, blister plasters. I only have two hands, so I literally sellotape these things together and then hold them in two handy packages. Besides looking like i freak, I can never forget my sellotape wherever I go.

Did my usual shit this week - A threshold run, yoga, then my longest run yet - 13.2 miles! That's just over a half marathon :). It hurt a bit for the last 20 minutes, and I got upset that I was only halfway toward my eventual goal. My leg still hurts, i think I pulled something mildly. Then finished the week with some good old Interval Training.

Also, I saw a billboard advertising something to do with the marathon this week, and ran past quite a few other people running, so there's a big sense of anticipation in the air!

Now I have two very positive things to tell you;

1. I raised £115 this week!!!!!! That is SO DAMN MUCH. To put it in perspective, I raised £140 in the whole of february. Let's see if i can keep it in triple digits next week :) Big thank you to Raffaella and my baby brother Nick!

2. While dancing naked in front of the mirror, I noticed some muscle definition in my stomach that wasn't there before. I put that down to the Interval Training to be honest. But yeah, physical results are becoming visible results, which is encouraging!

If i haven't asked you personally yet, I will. If I have, and you haven't sponsored me - I'm writing a damn list. There's no escape from me and my good cause.

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Malta, The Grand Finale

Exhausted from their trek through the forted city of Valetta, Olivia and Lukas arrived back at Saint Julians. It was dark now, and althought it was only 7pm, they did not want to risk the closure of the city ruining their evening like it had previously, so they raced out to the liquor store and bought some Tequila. The shop next door the the liquor store was, quite coincidentally, a vegetable store, and they bought some lemons.

A shrine was promptly made.

After a lot of tequila and lemon, the gang headed out. Not before tucking Batsebabitch into bed of course. They headed to the country's best bar strip, where they were instantly accosted by slags with vouchers.

They used their slag vouchers to gain entry and free drinks in several bars. Lukas was quite put off by how much this place reminded him of straight clubs in London, and came to the conclusion that he didn't like straight bars. So they decided to stay in the one bar for about an hour, before looking for some gay hangouts.

A camp song came on and suddenly Lukas forgot his inhibitions and forced Olivia to start pole-dancing for the crowd. Hesitantly, se wrapped her legs around the greasy pole and began to writhe. A big old fat man then climbed onto the podium.

"I'm not having Olivia dance with him!" Lukas thought, so he climbed onto the podium too, and politely threw the man to the groud. To keep himself from looking like an overprotective fag, Lukas then began to grind on Olivia, till the songs close. "Oh my God," said Olivia "I feel like we just had real sex!"
This was greeted by silence from Lukas. That's just how he likes to dance.

They left the straight bar strip, and decided to go and buy some more Tequila before heading to the gay bars.

They didn't get any Tequila, and they didn't go to any gar bars.

At some point along the journey, Olivia managed to lose her shoes. So they had to tread slowly and carefully along the probably-unsafe roads of St. Juliens. Because of their speed, about half way through the journey, they heard in the distance the instantly recognisable screeching of Rihanna. Being a gay, a girl, and being drunk, they held hands and began to race toward the comforting sound, throwing caution to the wind, and treading on God knows what.

They found the bar that "Only Girl In The World" was playing, and ran inside without a second thought and proceeded to wail and dance their way through the song. Only when it was over did they think to look around the bar, where their eyes were met by about 10 pairs of crop-haired, army-panted, lesbian eyes, looking at them in disgust. Suddenly one of them screamed at them "A STRAIGHT GIRL, AND A MAN. IN OUR LESBIAN BAR. YOU MUST LEAVE. YOU SHALL NOT SULLY OUR LESBIAN SHRINE" with her eyes, and so they got the hint and left.

Outside, they stumbled upon two of these stereotyped lesbians, and thought they would try and infiltrate the cult by talking. To their surprise, these girls were also from London. Rachel, the first was called, lived very nearby in fact; in Watford! She was here on a DJ'ing holiday, staying at the Hilton, all expenses paid, or so she led them to believe. The other lesbian was beyond hope and didn't know how to communicate with anything that had ever touched a penis, and so instead threw the occasional angry or upset glace at them.

Over the course of the next hour, Lukas, Olivia, Rachel and Gremlock bonded somewhat; smoking, drinking, laughing. Quizzing eachother about sexual practises, and Rachel showing the occasional mind-blowing card trick. At one point, they picked a card at random - the 6 of Diamonds. They put it back in the deck, she shuffled. She then proceeded to go through the deck with them, asking them to stop her when they saw their card. Lo, the 6 of Diamonds never came up. "Our card isn't there!" they harked. "Yes," she said, "Because it is here!" and then she reached into her mouth and pulled out a folded card, covered in saliva. She unfolded it and it was the 6 of Diamonds. How they laughed.

Suddenly they realised Gremlock had left. They didn't miss her, but felt like maybe the party was over, and so hailed a cab. "Come back to mine!" offered Rachel, "I have loads of drinks, 2 double beds and a sound system!"
It sounded like a good idea, but they had an early plane to catch, and so decided they would get a cab first to their hostel, and then to Rachels hotel.

Ever the drunks, some sort of conversation was had with the driver of the cab. Lukas told him of Rachel's peculiar lifestyle choice, which pleased him. Suddenly the three of them were in the cab with the driver, and he suggested an obscene gay on straight on bi on lesbian action, involving all of them. They exitedly agreed, but thought it was best to do this in the parking lot of the Hilton, so they raced across town to the Hostel.
"I will be FIVE minutes" said Lukas. "I'm just getting all of our stuff." before kissing Rachel passionately (???) and running up to the room.

The room was in a fucking state. Twenty minutes later, he was still packing and tidying, When Olivia came upstairs, as pale as a sheet.
"I got down and dirty with Rachel" Isn't exactly what she said. The real phrase is locked away in the recesses of Lukas's fragile mind.
"You did what!" He screamed.
Olivia then went into detail as to the goings on in the cab that happened with everyone but Lukas present. She did this through interpretive dance and via the use of a green balloon.

Suddenly Lukas felt quite glad that he'd spent such a large portion of the evening cleaning, rather than indulging in such sadist activities. But still, they finished packing, and turned to leave the room, to get back into the sex cab.

You know when someone has been standing there for a long time, but you don't realise it until you walk straight into their muscular chest? Well that is what happened next. There was a huge man blocking the doorway to the room. How long he had been there, nobody could tell, but he was angry. He began interrogating our superheroes as to whether this really was their room and why they were leaving in the middle of the night. Our superheroes thought it would be funny to call him gay, and then watch him slam his fists into the wall and make other such testosterone induced gestures.

Eventually, after a lot of provoking on both teams behalves, all three of them decided to leave and get into the sex cab (Seriously). Lukas took the stairs while Olivia and the Neanderthal took the lift. Lukas reached the lobby and realised that the building was only 3 floors and so the lift should have reached her for sure by now. A whole minute later he took action and pressed the lift button. The door slid open, proving that the lift had been standing there idly for some time. Inside there was an attempted rape scene unfolding, not only in the lift, but in both of the mirrored walls of the lift, too. The neanderthal, although he probably could have killed Lukas with one hand, was caught like a deer in the headlights and let Olivia go.

They exited and the Neanderthal turned left. Our superheroes turned right, and with all their bags, ran to where the cab was waiting to free them. The cab was gone.

To this day, nobody knows what happened to Rachel, or the driver, or whether or not what may or may not have happened between them was consented. But at that very moment Lukas reached into his pocket and found a folded piece of card.

Oh Rachel...

Not wasting any time, they ran back to the Hostel, cautious of the return of the Neanderthal. They dumped their bags, and decided to return to where the party was at. They ran back outside and headed back towards town.

"Wait!" Yelled Olivia, en route, "Hide!"
They hid behind a small van.
"Look, over there! It's the Neanderthal!"

Sure enough, across the road, there was the Neanderthal; beer in one hand, the hair of a girl in the other. He took a swig of his beer, and then wretched the girls hair to his face, to make her kiss him. We U-turned and went around the block. Don't worry, we weren't about to allow TWO rapes to occur on this night; the two of them were outside a cafe, and there were other men around watching, to make sure she was safe.

They made it back to the clubbing strip, but as is the apparent trend in Malta, all the clubs were closed. Everyone had migrated to an impressively sized chicken shop. They followed the flock, and got 12 nuggets between them. Scalding their tongues on the hot, deep fried goods sobered them up slightly, but also made them realise just how drunk they were.

They decided it would be wise to turn in for the night now; they had an early flight to catch!

They returned to the Hostel and collapsed asleep.


The following morning, life was quite straightforward for our twosome. Apart from the fact that they got up late. This threw everything out of whack, and they ended up losing their keys. When they eventually found the lost keys, the door to the Hostel decided to not open at all. They took descisive action to get some authority or other to open the door for them. This led them to the discovery that the Neanderthal OWNED the hostel. They had no choice but to befriend his father and convince him to crowbar the hostel door off it's hinges because they could not afford to miss their flight.

Lukas thought that maybe this final hurdle - an intimate moment with the father of a beast was a sign, an opportunity to bring the Neanderthal and his rapist ways down once and for all.
"We have to tell him about his son!" Lukas beseeched.
But then Olivia reminded Lukas that the apple does not fall far from the tree, and locked in a room with this man with a crowbar, telling him that he birthed a rapist probably wasn't wise. So the door was opened, and they left this charming father and son duo to do whatever it is that they get up to in their spare time. Our duo continued down the road and found a wonderful feminist-taxi company, which was good because at this point, there was not a man in Malta that they could trust. And so Maria drove them to the airport, where things went without hitch.

An old lady was sat next to them, in her wheelchair in the departure lounge. A friendly air steward approached her. "Did you enjoy your holiday madame?" She squeeked, timidly.
"NO!" barked the old hag, "I FELL OVER AND BROKE MY ARM."

Good times.