Sunday, 20 November 2011

The last 4 months

I stopped writing in this blog 4 months ago today, but am still getting over 100 hits a month. Which is ironic, because it's probably more than I'm getting on my new blog. But anyway, girl, why are you still reading this, and who are you?

Anyway, In early July I went to Rio for a month, PARTY CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.
And then In august, I went to Istanbul. GATEWAY FROM EAST TO WEST. And I'm still there now, having lot's of fun. Read about it on my tumblr! Who am I even talking to anyway?

Thursday, 21 July 2011

I've tumblr'd myself.

Carry on reading at my tumblr

Thursday, 9 June 2011


So I haven't made a post in 6 weeks. I've reached the point of not caring about this blog. That's a bad point to reach. There was a lot not worth writing about, like all my University deadlines. If you care, I had four essays and five exams in the month after the marathon. I've got three results back. One was a low 2.1, one was a good 1st, and one was an amazing 1st. I basically got full marks, and the teacher had nothing bad to say. That was the essay I wrote on the Marathon. I think I'll post it on here, its 6000 words so you probably won't read it, but it saves me doing another post about the marathon. You won't have to heard me say the word "Marathon" again. Not until next year anyway.

After the Marathon, the next exciting thing to happen was that Will and Kate got married (FYI). I watched it in bed.

Not alone obviously. Olivia was my Princess for the day. She was even wearing a real Tiara. But she doesn't want to be seen here.

Olivia left me for some seasonal work in Australia.

And you know what filled the hole she left in my life? My stalker. That's right. I had a stalker for a while in 2010. He would pop up in the most awkward places and fuck my day up. Well he reared his ugly head last month and fucked my whole life up, and I've been having bad dreams about him every night since. Seriously. I could name him and shame him but that would be mean. Maybe if he crops up again, I will. Unless I dispose of him first.

But it might not have to come to that. Because I dyed my hair blond, so he won't be able to find me. (That's not true. He likely knows i've dyed my hair, but I needed an excuse to mention it to you). And blonde's definitely do have more fun. Maybe not more fun in life, per se. But more fun with different colours of dye. What's that saying? "You can't paint a shit pink" or something. Well you can't dye black hair pink either.

Or green.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

The War of Bernie and Rose. I

I live with my Grandparents, i'm sure some of you know. Bernie - the cynical hag, who spends 7 months of every year drunk, and the other 5 months sitting with me at the kitchen table, bitching about everyone else in the world. And Sean - the mysterious old man that spends 12 months of the year writing letters to someone infront of his 48-inch television. We have a good relationship. Seany in his living room, bernie in her kitchen, and me in my bedroom for the most part.

Above us, in 64B, live Wayne and Tom. A gay couple. For a few months, Tom has been making crude and pervacious advances toward me on Grindr, which I politely went along with until I obtained his and Wayne's wifi password, then I blocked him.

Wayne is an Australian. He has a mother called Rosemarie (Don't worry, this story does actually go somewhere). She is a devout catholic, or so i've heard, and she, while wanting to visit England in the past, was abhored by the idea of homosexuality. And in a grand falling-out with Tom one day, everyone thought it best that Rosemarie, on her frequent stays in the UK locate herself downstairs, with the other old people. At this juncture in their saga, I was about to leave for a holiday, and only met Rosemarie once, on my departure. A svelte, 5'10 figure, with healthy curls of waist length grey hair appeared from the top of the stairs. "Are you Luke?" she smiled. Her pearly white teeth resonating through the unholy darkness, "God bless on your travels! And God tells me we will meet again!"

"God tells me we won't, because you're very old, and you live in Australia" I thought. How wrong I was. Rosemarie returned last week. This time I am here to witness her first hand, and can finally understand why my grandmother chose, of all the descriptives available to call this God-loving woman, a "Cunt".

Marathon training, weeks 19 - 21

I didn't make separate entires for these three weeks because, drawing so close to the end of it all, everything's become quite monotonous, really. Although i've been doing things these three weeks that I hadn't done for the first 18.

I've been to physiotherapy twice, which is quite enjoyable. My physiotherapist is a turkish cpriot, and i'm a greek cyprio, so he get's all his racial anger out on my calves, so we both win.

I've started to delve into some research i'm doing for an essay on the marathon. Maybe too much research. But it means that i'm not just running it for running-its-sake, but for research purposes, so whether I give up and die, or breeze through to the finish line in seconds, I will have something to write about, I hope.

I raised £200 in these three weeks. I was hoping for more, but i've got wind that "the average" fundraiser is at 50% with one week to go. I'm at 61%. Win. I will keep nagging you, for the next 6 weeks, to donate on my behalf, so you should do it.

I've started tapering, so 2 weeks ago, after my longest run yet, 15 miles, i get to relax more and eat more than ever, which is fun.

Can't beleive there's less than a week left. Not really a training week at all. It seems to me as though I haven't trained for long or hard enough; I've heard a lot recently about how mammoth a marathon is supposed to be, and that half of it is in in the training. It's been quite enjoyable for me. Maybe because i'm young.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

The Curse of April 17th

I'm cursed. By April 17th. Or at least I think I am. But I'm going to document this now, in 2011, so that if the curse plays out, and I die on April 17th, you'll all be safe in the knowledge that I told you so.

The curse isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I've noticed that for as long as I can remember (April 17th 2007), something monumental/dire has happened in my life. Let's start with April 17th 2007; I broke up with my first "real" boyfriend on this day. Hardly life changing, but it was a big deal at the time. One year later, I found myself in someone else's bed, and I was like "Oh snap! It's a year today since I broke up with Matt! How far I've come!" Little did I know that the sex I had on A17th08* (*Does that work?) would lead me into a painful, one sided relationship a la Kate Winslet in The Holiday.

So so far - My first break-up. I fell in Love. 2009 was a bit different in that what happened was that I shat myself.

Yeah you heard me. It was just a normal day, A17th09 to be precise, and I hadn't yet clocked on to my curse. I was in the middle of a Jungle, in a homophobic country, so obviously the Curse-Master couldn't inflict any romance related calamities on me this day. But I got out of my hut, as I did every morning, brushed my teeth by the river side, in my swim shorts and t-shirt whilst watching the hundreds of school children sweep the grass (???). My tooth-brushing was, as always, interrupted by the headmasters house-girl telling me my breakfast was ready. So I put my toothbrush back in my hut, and crossed the busy field to the headmasters hut, where I sat with him and his wife, to our usual breakfast of Hot water and fresh bread. And then suddenly I shat. It wasn't even faux flatulence. One second I was chewing by bread, the next second I was shitting. At a table full of people, in loose shorts, in a house without a toilet. I had no choice but to finish my breakfast with a stern face, and politely excuse myself, somehow keeping my back to the wall. I couldn't keep my back to the wall when crossing the field, back to my hut, but who knows what, if anything, the children saw. They probably just saw the crazy white man clutching at his shorts for no reason. Anyway, we don't need to know the rest of the story. Suffice to say I got washed and changed and went to school. The point is - Who shit's themselves?! Nobody does. Except children, old people, people who are having anal sex, and people who are cursed. We know which category I fell into on that day, don't we (the cursed one). It was only in writing it in my diary that night that I spotted the date at the top of the page! I noticed the trend, How exiting.

Forward a year; April 17th 2010. After basically exactly 2 years of self inflicted torture, I found myself in that boys bed again. Fooling around. It's something I'd wished for for years, and as I kissed him, I felt emancipated from my wishes, and basically got over it. Who knew how simple it was! Besides the fact that we fell out a month later, the curse had been broken!!! A break-up, unrequited love, and a shit. I'd ended it with something good! An emancipation! Woohoo! I got on with my life for another year.

Then last week, I realised something. The most important trial of 2011 for me so far, is going to be The London Marathon. Guess what Sherlock. It's on April 17th.

It awaits to be seen whether the events of A17th10 mean that the curse is now a good curse, or whether it was just an off year, and I'm going to break my leg and die at mile 23. Maybe nothing will happen; i'll receive an average time and my legs will hurt a bit; but it is definitely something major, and definitely on april 17th, so that's definitely the 5th year in a row. And now I have the blog entry to prove that curses exist. Stay tuned for A17th12 - end of the world edition.

Friday, 1 April 2011

R U Flirting Wiv Me?

And other conversations.

Actually, I'm making fun of your name.

My brief and sickening brush with vagina...

My brief and lively brush with drugs...

My brief and tragic brush with unhappy people...

Monday, 21 March 2011

Marathon Training, week 18

It's getting very close to the day now.

This week i received a package from Virgin, it had shoelaces, a countdown clock, and a magazine reminding me that I wasn't training enough and that I should eat a lot more carbs, and hyping the whole event up before telling me not to panic. Thanks for that virgin. I'm now officially shit scared, but also a bit exited.

I went to Muscle-Activation-Therapy this week, to help me with my injured leg. It's a kind of new-age Physiotherapy. It was really good, but subsequent sessions would cost me £85 a go, so they let me go.

Luckily my leg stopped hurting, finally, after 3 miserable weeks, and I ran 5 miles this week. That's it. 5 fucking miles, a month before the marathon!!! Well, this week, week 19, i'm going to be back on track. Fuck the yoga. Fuck the bike machine. This is real life...

Also, raised £136.20 this week. Another £130 next week?!? Yes please.

Friday, 18 March 2011

Who the hell are these children?

You're going to just have to watch these videos before I start judging them, in case I put you off. You don't have to watch each video to the end lest you die. Have I said too much?

I don't know why I'm making these video's even more viral than they are. Granted that 4 year old can actually rap quite well, for a child.
We're now in an age where every 13 year old can get an HD camcorder, and autotune for christmas, which means, what the Black Eyed peas were doing in 2009, Rebecca Black is doing just as good in 2011. This now means that real, decent music artists need to step up their game, and start making Kanye style music videos.

If you have autotune, and the limited amount of brain cells it requires to write a song in which "Friday" rhymes with "Saturday", then you're going to get onto the Hit 100. How upsetting. The real talent has had to resort to writing songs about Transexuals, and Polygamy. Granted, their video's are a damn sight better.

Not too sure what my point is. I don't usually make entries like this. Maybe this is my point:

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Marathon Training, week 17

So apparently I hurt my leg somewhere along the line last week. Tried to run last weekend and it hurt a bit. So I had this week off! Much to my annoyance. I've actually hated not exercising, and felt like a big fat unhealthy cretin. I did my yoga, and spent 3 hours on the bike machine, to keep my cardio up. Doesn't feel like a lot. Only a month to go; need to heal my leg, and step this shit up!

Raised £135 this week! Yes! That's as much as last week. Let's aim for the same again next week, although i'm running out of wonderful people like my Abigail and my Uncle Alan to sponsor me £50. Why don't YOU sponsor me that much?! How nice would that be. Do it for easter with all the money you've saved not drinking, or whatever it is you're "giving up". Yes that's right. Give ME you're money.

I also got my Running vest in the post. WOO. Although it is a size too big, i still look fierce.

Click here if you think I am a very hard working, determined individual.