Monday, 27 December 2010

Overation*, Underation*

*May not be real words, but should be.

In the run up to Christmas, i bought myself two films. One was highly celebrated, anticipated and cost me £9. The other was on the "Gender Bender" shelf (Apparently, a legitimate genre) in HMV, alongside 'Mrs. Doubtfire' and 'Freaky Friday' and cost me £2.

I'm confused as to why, with the first film, 'My neighbour Totoro', the animators even agreed to draw such a boring story line, or why Dakota Fanning even opened her mouth to lend her voice to such a creation.

So from the picture, it looks like fun. The story, however, is as follows; Two girls, Ling and Fong, move house with their dad. Ling goes to school, and Fong wonders round getting dirty. Their mum is in hospital. One day Fong falls asleep and dreams about a little creature. They have an old neighbour. Fong has another dream that the little creature has a fat friend named Totoro. They visit their mum in the hospital, and their old neighbour babysits them sometimes. Fong takes Ling to Totoro's presumed hideout, but it doesn't exist because he's not real. They get on a bus, and totoro is there, they have a big party with him, then they wake up in the real world. Their mum gets better. mmm. Longest 80 minutes ever.

Now onto film number two, 'Female Trouble', starring Divine.

Already from the picture, we can see that these guys are having just as much fun as Totoro and the gang. But i'll have you know they had more fun. So Divine get's kicked out of school for being a fat, compulsive liar. On christmas morning, she doesn't get the present she wants and so crushes her mother under the Christmas tree and runs away to get raped by a fat man, in a dump. She gives birth to taffy, and gets a job as a shit-kicker and a thief. She is hired by the local hairdressers to get her hair done in exchange for sex. She continues to beat up taffy, and marries her hairdresser. He fucks her with several tools from his tool box, which she loves. But one day, he fucks her with a carrot, and she finds this behaviour disgusting, so she locks her daughter taffy in a cage and divorces him. His mother gets angry at this, and throws acid in Divine's face, scarring her for life. It is only now, at her most Beautiful. that Divine and the gang REALLY start having fun, and so i will leave the rest of the story for you to find out. Needless to say, My Neighbour Totoro was overrated. I'm going to the Gender-Bender section more often.

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Some thoughts on America

I took a lot of useless pictures on my trip to California. It's time enough, now, to share some of them with you.

From the below, it could be ascertained that, in America, women do NOT build; In America, chocolate is sold in an excessive and unnatural amount of flavours, and in America, Starbucks is disgusting.


Well at least they don't have JLS condoms...

Both of these can go right to the top of my Christmas list...

Malta, Hours 12 through 30

Olivia had been sleeping for a very long time...

Lukas intermittently tried to wake her, and spent several hours on Grindr, getting to know the pinnacle of the Maltese homosexual population. Finally, in the deepest hour of the night (1am), Olivia awoke.

And we got ready for a big night out;

Malta, however, apparently doesn't do week nights, and everything was closed. So we instead opted for a walk around the coast. Our moonlight walk consisted of a lot of reflection. Reflection on our surprise that our friendship has grown to the height that it has, without us really realising it. Who'd have thought, 3 years ago, that the two of us would be walking along a moonlight beach on a weird little island, hand in hand?

We came to the conclusion that nobody would have thought that because people that can think up the future are generally fictional.

We stopped off at a cafe and had a freshly made ham sandwich each (yeah... the only place open at 2am), then went back to our gaff for a snooze.
We awoke, bright and early, after a conservative amount of sleep, and got ready for a day of sightseeing.

I chose, for the day, to wig it up.

Olivia, chose for the day, to garter it down. Or, as we could have been warned of at the time, to advertise herself as a twentieth century prostitute.

Despite the myths that garters provide, not sex was paid for, and some quite beautiful pictures were produced:

We set off for the village bus stop, and got on one of Malta's WORLD FAMOUS BUSES:

We got on the bus, and bowed our heads on the long walk to the two empty seats at the back. We bowed our heads party because we were embarrassed at our own appearance, but mainly because the bus is very small and has an incredibly low ceiling.

The 'bus' took us along a lovely coastal route, which was stunning. And soon we arrived at the grand Fortress City of Valetta;

Just inches past the gate, we saw a man on a horse, and accosted him.
This is me, walking toward him;

The man let the two of us sit inside his carriage, and eventually we paid him to take us for a ride around the city.

It was such a pituresque ride, so Olivia and I took some photo's.

And here's a picture of Olivia taking pictures of all that stuff, incase you found it hard to imagine .


So after our carriage ride, we decided to try the city by foot.
Apparently when you make a fort, your intention is to kill everyone inside by getting them lost and confused.

Eventually, though, shortly after nightfall, and shortly after abusing a really fat woman, we found our way out of the fort, and made our way home...

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

The aftermath of the UCL occupation...

Rotting Effigies...

Betrayal of Ideals...

Distraught students...

Cries for help...

Dark realisation...

Thursday, 9 December 2010

Self reward.

This past month, i have been working harder than ever before. I find myself crashing into bed at night exhausted and wanting nothing more than to watch a (specifically) fun, pretty, potentially mind-numbingly easy-to-watch cartoon.

Enter Studio Ghibli.

I gifted myself these three to get me through the end of this half term. And i think over the following year and a half I will have to complete the collection... such is the nature of collections. Needing 17 things when last week, i had none! So be it. I'm worth 17 films.

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Murder murder in black convertibles...

Well this is exciting... and somewhat refreshing during the festive period.

Or just click here... Monster!
Trust me, you'll be excited.

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Marathon Training, week 3

Session 4

So based on my experiences with M.I.A last week, i thought i would try, at a friends recommendation, some 'dark Psy-trance' music.

So i made my way onto Youtube and with some difficulty managed to nab 3 songs. Or so i thought.

A lot of loading and waiting later, and there were 950 dark psy tracks sitting in my iTunes. Let's not ask how that happened. Let me just tell you that it's called trance for a reason.

Got onto the treadmill after a tough day at uni and started running, had a peek at the clock. Bam. 17 minutes had passed. I had a little giggle to myself and then whooosh. 41 minutes had passed. Satisfied at the quickest 50 minutes of my life, i got off the treadmill.

Session 5

Didn't want to overkill the running, so had a 1-on-1 'core work out' class in the gym, followed by 20 minutes on the bike machine.

Session 6

The unfamiliar exercise's of session 5 made me ache for a good few days, but i plowed through, and with the help of my trance music, at 10am on a snowey morning, managed to spend 70 minutes running, without looking at the clock, or slowing down. I ran 8 miles.

Good news everyone. Trance music is the key to running far.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

A lesson in Red Wine Stains.

Here's a little FYI for anyone out there who pours a whole glass of red wine all over their white clothes.

Start by covering the clothing in Salt.... then put the salty clothing in a bowl of white wine. Leave it to soak. Then add Vanish! to the concoction.

Trust. It works.

Saturday, 27 November 2010

Malta, Hours 1 through 12

We arrive in Malta at 11am... we drove to the Hostel, and found the whole building to be abandoned. So we set up shop in a lovely large room and got changed, before heading down to the beach for lunch;

Upon our return, I began to feel delerious and ill.

And as if things couldn't get any worse, all of my clothes fell off.

We changed for the afternoon, taking into acount my newfound allergies;

We set off on a romantic sunset walk around the town of St. Juliens. There wasn't much here, to be honest. As it began to get dark, we thought it best to head home, having discovered only two local beauties; the harbour, and the alcohol shop.

When we returned, I ushered Olivia into the back room. I said to her "It's your birthday. So go in there and put something pretty on, while i prepare your birthday dinner."

So Olivia put something pretty on;

while i prepared a wonderful, open air dinner of White wine, with salt and pepper. Basebavitch joined us for this most special of occasions.

Lots of fun ensued, across all three courses;

The thing with meals is... when the meal is just wine, lots of fun really does ensue...

Followed by lots of passing out...