Saturday, 26 December 2009

Happy Holidays

The things no Christmas day is complete without:

Gluttony.


Gifts/ Doctor Who.


Sloth.




Relatives.
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Until Next year... Don't mess with me, Blud.

Friday, 25 December 2009

On the Third day of Christmas

OMG i'm so full up right now. Got up very late, which resulted in starting the starter of christmas dinner NINETY minutes after finishing the christmas breakfast. Which resulted in lots of moaning, and belly rubbing and naps on several family members behalves. The belly still has a life of it's own, so i won't stay long, just give y'all what i promised. This is me singing Britney Spears, and my Mother, of all people, lip-synching. Circa 1998.

Merry Christmas

xxx

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Thursday, 24 December 2009

An Illustrated Christmas Fable.

I'm sure i'll be forgiven for thinking that the third day of Christmas (Christmas day) was today. A simple maths error. You will have to wait until tomorrow to hear me Sing Britney Spears. Moving swiftly on.

I didn't go to bed last night, which would explain why i was up before dawn. Being up before dawn doesn't happen often for me. It caused me to be inspired. So i wrote a nice page of words about Vanuatu, and decided to take my dog to the park for sunrise. Like this:



The only problem was Wembley Council decided to invest in fences and padlocks. Like this:



My dad, being Jesus, would probably have a key for such a padlock. Why would a man have so many keys, if not to open locks?



Alas, none of the Keys would fit. Not ones to give up, we found a hole in the fence, we slipped our collars off and we slid through the hole. Alas, on the other side of the fence, one of us refused to put his collar back on and chose instead to chase the park ranger. Imagine seeing a white wolf like dog, without a collar chasing you in a locked park. Shityapants! He just drove away quickly, and i spent twenty minutes trying to get Kasper re-collared, using methods like this:



Eventually we were re-collared, and started taking pictures of ourself playing rugby, like this:







Then we took picture of the both of us playing games together. Like this:





Then i thought it would be funny to watch Kasper trip over, by throwing his ball onto the ice, like this:



Only problem is, SOMEONE is a big fat PUSSY cat. And could sniff the danger on the ice. That left me to get to get the ball myself, which was quite a soggy mission.

Morals:
Collars should not be removed.
Dads are not Jesus.
Dogs should not be bullied.
Enjoy the Snow.

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

On the Second day of Christmas

Here, as promised is another video from the 90's. It had the potential to be a really good performance. Alas my dad couldn't help but both mess with the special effects button, and laugh like a primate would.
Also notice my twelve year old sisters amazing singing, and my lyrical knowledge at such a young age!

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Tomorrow, we get to see what happens when I am the one singing. And what do i sing? You wouldn't believe it were it fiction. Britney Spears.

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

On the First day of Christmas...

In my world, Christmas has three days; today, tomorrow and the day after. So over the three days of Christmas i will be presenting you with three very happy video clips of me. Aged 8.

Here is clip one. It is of me laughing, my sister attacking me, then my sister beginning to sing 'My heart will go on'. There is also a voice over from my father near the end, reminding everyone of my childhood eating habits.

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Monday, 21 December 2009

Ladies of the Underground, Part I

Ladies of the Underground.

I do believe I've found myself a recurring feature for you to endurejoy!

Basically, I've combined my love of Voyeurism with my love of the female figure, and my love of the London Underground to bring you some pictures of women i found amusing, and who more than likely found me disturbing.

This lady was wearing beautiful glasses, and was giving herself one of those fake-blow-jobs with her tongue. I thought a screen shot would suffice rather than a rackety video:


I think perhaps she had something going with the very exited revellers either side of her?

And here, there are several things which draw our attention. I can't decide what's more enjoyable; Saffy Monsoon, daughter of Edina, sitting opposite me, or the clearly unrelated, unfeline, twin Leopards in the background... fierce!


Snow Angels


Seeing as Clare Deal and I were galavanting in the Pacific when England became a snowy wonderland back in february, we took our opportunity to do the snowiest thing we've done in 2009 (and that i've done my whole life actually). We rolled down this tiny knoll once each, slipped on the ice, had a snowball face, attacked an office lady with a ball, and then made angels. Until next year...

Saturday, 19 December 2009

Juxtaposition

It appears that I started writing a blog roughly nine months later than I should have. If i had started in January, I could have had entries titled
"SWIMMING WITH WILD DOLPHINS!"
"SKYDIVING!!!"
"SCUBA DIVING!"
and told countless stories about living on a desert island, with someone a bit mentally unbalanced and a lot of hilarious, self proclaimed 'Black men'.

But i didn't do that. I actually started this blog in October. The start of Winter, and the start of University. So now my blog entries have titles like "Juxtapositions", which describe the mundanities of my life. Except i am now actually equally exited by what i am about to show you as i was doing the above things. Which sums up how really fun going to UCL can be!

So i literally just spent 96 hours in my bed, lying to myself that having Microsoft Word opened (yet minimised) and booklets scattered all around me would equate to getting my essays done on time. Those things didn't equate to that, which is why only 10 of those 96 hours were spent sleeping. I did eventually get the essays done on time, as always... Exhausted and totally derived of protein, I needed meat, and I needed it now! So here comes Juxtaposition one; i went to McDonalds, which i vowed in august never to do again:



How sexy does that meal look though!
This meal came with several more juxtapositions, like how i bought bottled water after writing, for 2000 words, an essay ALL ABOUT the disgracefullness of bottled water itself. Literally, that is what my essay was about. Also the juxtaposition of how happy I was to eat this, but how sad my belly felt afterwards. And the last juxtaposition, on my way home, was how the legging on this girls left leg doesn't seem to juxtapose the fact that she's an idiot!

Friday, 4 December 2009

This Weeks Letter.

Following my recent trend of letter based entries, this weeks letter is F.
So here are three pictures that basically sum up the letter F and what it means to me in my life.


FEMALES


Any man following my blog will already know a lot of things about Abigail. The one thing such a man wouldn't know is what she actually looks like. So here is she. This is the woman who single handedly made me stay at University:



Fitness


This is more of a shocking side note. We all know that the average human walking speed is about 2 Miles per hour. We all also know that the human heart beats at around 1 beat a second or something healthy like that. But what we don't know is that when Lukas walks at 3.5 miles per hour (slow enough to take a photo of the treadmill), he technically dies:




FASHION

Fashion is a big part of my life, and I envy such Bloggers as "The Sartorialist", so i've decided to start my own version. It's basically the most fashionable outfits i see at University. Here's my friend Raymond (Who now makes the list of people who can never read my blog twice as big as it was before) rocking a nice beige number:



Keep doing what you do Rayray! xxx

Friday, 20 November 2009

My Disgusting Birthday

So I just found all the photos from my not so recent 19th Birthday. I'd just returned to England the day before, and was very exited to see all my family; so snack-food in hand, and pony-tail on head, we headed to a lovely meadow for a picnic.

I shan't bore you with any photos, I just thought I'd share with you my excitement that even back then, with a proper camera in hand, i was already creating marvelous two-second photos.

Have a look at my three year old cousin, coming into his own.


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Sunday, 15 November 2009

Fun Loving Gypsies

Ok so i have a question. If you went to a Gypsie festival in Bratislava, and some fun loving gypsies started playing the accordian, would you have a good time?
The answer on everyones lips is 'Yes, i would.'

So why then, when the Gypsies come HERE, all the way to England to entertain us festival goers, do we just completely ignore them? Is it because strange men straight from the set of Aladdin are so common place on the london underground that our newspapers and shoes are a lot more interesting to look at?

At least me and my ipod were entertained:


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Thursday, 12 November 2009

Two Second Photo

Hi!

Well earlier in the year both my ipod touch and camera were destroyed by 'Sand beach' which is actually Bislama (a whole different language) for the word 'Sand'. So upon my return to England, i went shopping for new ones, and decided to combine the two with a new video-camera-ipod. Amazing! I can listen to music AND take videos using something smaller than a packet of chewing gum.
But.
I can't take photos.
Thats right; it has a lense, and a shutter, but can't take photos.
But i LOVE taking photos.
So i am hereby heralding the invention of the two second photo.
It's amazing, because you know what it is, but you still press 'Play'!

Mine (Why?) and my friend Katys new gold nails on her face.

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A rather telling billboard in the centre of my university campus. (reads: 'The official UK unemployment rate has now reached 2.5 Million' with a lot of happy graduates present)

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Please expect proper videos, as well as a few more of these literal motion pictures.

Saturday, 17 October 2009

Two Weeks Forward

I started blogging as i started University, so that the two would be synonymous. This blog proves to me that i am actually in attendance at such a place. If i were asked to give more tangeable proof, i could not, because i don't do much any work. I don't do much of anything actually. It's taken me nine days to write the last four sentences. How many days will it take to write the rest of the entry? WHO KNOWS?!
Another vital question that has recently been thrust upon me (by the people at University) is ''If Culture exists, where can it be found?'' Obviously this question needs pages and pages of research for an adequate answer to be produced. So in order to conduct said research i trawled the internet for hours and found just what i'd been asked to find. A cheap holiday from easyjet.com. Only then did i log on to UCLs MOODLE (what?) to find out the due date of my essay. Thats right. Somewhere along the grapevine, the word 'Es' was mistaken for 'Ams' and the word 'say' was mistaken for 'terdam'. Very easily done.

Since my last entry, i have discovered Abbey has a boyfriend. Therefore she can't be in love with me, and this has made our friendship a lot less interesting. For a start i can name her by her real name now; Abigail, because it doesn't matter who reads about last months shenanigans as it was all just a small misunderstanding. I'm not in love and She's not in love. However, why she continues to touch my face on a daily basis will continue to confuse my hormones for god knows how long.

Anyone who's anyone (Edwin) will be pleased to know i've stopped playing with sand. But now i have an orchard, tractor and Halloween themed Hay-bales!!! If you don't know what i'm talking about you're so SO lucky. But if you are unfortunate enough to envy my farming skills, make sure you never try Heroin...



... www.nyutech.com/2009/09/how-to-get-rid-of-farmville-addiction.html

Sunday, 4 October 2009

Again Beginning a new Adventure

So Back from my worldly travels barely a month and i've upped and moved a grand sum of about eight miles east to the port of Euston. Starting a course at university (something i was never too passionate about) in the Scientific Art of anthropology, i thought it apt to relocate, as remaining in my 'pre-gap-year' home, in my mind, forced me to remain as the person i was before i left Europe.

Already, moving out just seven days past, i've noticed a change in myself. I ingested an unscrupulous amount of alcohol on five of the six nights, and have been wearing all my best clothes to impress the girl from my class (Little do we both know i like boys). Little does she know i only have five sets of nice clothes, so on monday, i'm fearful i might have the day off just because i'm scared Abbey won't fall in love with me whilst wearing my two year old H&M t shirt. But why do i care? We should both be focusing on the study of man (Anthropology). She probably is actually.

And while she's caring about different culture, i'm at my parents house starting a blog because if i go home i face a building full of Nikki Grahames. No offence to the woman, she was fun to watch, but when you're in attendance at 'Londons Global University' you expect to be living with a lot of international students, who will cook you all noodles in return for you wondering what they're doing in their bedroom all this time? Instead i haven't found anyone of the sort and find myself, instead, trapped in a room of people going ''OH. I fort i did it right coz i wasn't really listening. i love this drinkin' game. Did i not do it right? Oh sorrrry. Let me try agen. HAY BARN. Oh hahah did i get it wrong again. what am i like?! Duz that mean i have to drink now? OH I LOVE YOU GUYS''

But obviously when i say i found myself 'trapped' in the room, i meant metaphorically. So i got up and went to bed.

So this is my blog. I've started it mainly for a few reasons. 1. I tried to write a book but i gave up and thought i would start a bit lower down the ladder, 2. I'm not passionate about writing essays, which i expect will be expected of me in the next 36 months, so i feel like at least writing this is writing something, even if i'm not writing what i'm supposed to be writing in exchange for £30,000 of debt, and 3. I got a student loan, and bought a macbook pro with it, mainly to spite my sister and her Toshiba. Now that i have it, i feel obliged to do something much more constructive with it that just playing the falling sand game. Enjoy that.